To the dot and core, these words so eloquently spell out the borderline obsessive-compulsive need to maximize my time efficiency that manifested in me at the beginning of last year.
Initially, whenever I kept to my rigorous schedules, there would be an immense sense of self-satisfaction and pride. Then there were the occasions where I performed above my target where a rush of Euphoria would enthrall me -a feeling that I would grow addicted to, a craving that grew on an exponential scale..
To-do lists grew into must-do lists. Must-do lists grew into accurate-by-the-hour plans. These plans then turned into schedules that were recorded down to the nitty gritty details accurate to the quarter hour intervals. What had initially started as a mere homework list now had manifested into something that governed my life down to how many hours of sleep I got.
.It was my life.
.socializing and general leisure
was out of the question.
It was no longer a matter of pleasure, it was now expected of myself to be able to not only keep up but out-do my past being: a self-destructive and lonely game. The fun was gone and all that remained was a matter of self-pride. Whenever I fell short of my mark, I would ruthless bash myself up inside.
Idle bus rides were now valuable note-memorizing intervals. Friendly exchanges with friends were now naught more than a hindrance. Growing frustration and an underpinning fear of incompetence, I drove myself to extremes and start sacrificing sleep and eating became an option.
.became my forte.
The ‘tediously annoying but necessary for survival’ tasks such as cooking, showering, eating and changing, were done in a frenzied haste while I focused primarily on spewed out word after word of things I had drilled into my head. Although by the end of it, results I produced were the best I had ever had with my average grade being an A+, a bitter taste lingered in my mouth. I had burnt out.
I had become a breathing marionette, strung along by strings drawn at each of my otherwise limp limbs.
In my blind pursuit for success, I had been consumed by the very beast I hunted. Void of laughter that once defined me: I had lost my own identity.